


Fili and the Horrible No Good Terrible Day.

by DinosaurEyes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunkenness, F/M, Fili and Legolas save the day, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:32:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DinosaurEyes/pseuds/DinosaurEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili's life sucks. His brother is making moony eyes at some elf chick and his uncle has gone to be eaten by a dragon. Luckily, Legolas isn't having such a good time either. </p><p> </p><p>Alternatively - Fili and Legolas get drunk and save the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fili and the Horrible No Good Terrible Day.

If Fili had to choose the exact moment his day went to shit, it would have been when that elf vaulted in through the ceiling and began to heal his brother. Sure Fili was thankful for it (although he could have done without the weird herbs being smushed into the open wound, or the frankly impractical glowing). The elf - Tauriel - had saved Kili's life. Fili would never be able to repay that debt. 

That didn't mean she needed to stick around after.

As of now, Kili and Tauriel were having a grand old time making moony eyes at each other. Kili was practically senseless of course, raving about starlight and some other nonsense. The elf seemed to be eating it up, regardless of the fact that Kili looked like a idiot who had taken too many mushrooms from Radagast. His head was resting on a pile of walnuts, for Mahal's sake. 

The fact was, Fili was feeling a little...unappreciated by Kili. Who had been the one to defy Thorin's orders and stick around for the lout? Fili. Who was the one who gave up on an undeniably cool adventure and a chance to see an actual live dragon? Fili. Who was currently watching from a corner as his brother spewed nonsense at an elf, no thanks for him?

Fili. 

It just wasn't fair he mused as Oin muttered something about what a privilege it was to watch an elf heal. I'm the elder brother. I'm the one who should have been able to heal Kili. (If he was honest, a teeny tiny part of him was hurt by the fact that his brother had yet to acknowledge his frankly amazing elder brother)

(If he was being even more honest, that teeny tiny part of him was more hurt for the words Kili was saying. She walks in starlight? Her hair wasn't even blonde, unlike Fili's, who could definitely also walk in starlight if he put his mind to it)

At least the other elf didn't seem so pleased with it. He was lurking outside of Bard's place, looking put out. Well, what Fili thought was putout. It was hard to tell, the elf didn't have a good variety of facial expressions. It was probably the eyeliner. Fili would look stony too if he was wearing makeup that looked that noticeable. The blonde elf - who had also been the one to capture them in Mirkwood, Fili noticed with a sigh - looked uncomfortable by what was happening inside. 

"Come on" Fili stood and moved to where the male elf perched. "Let's go get a drink"

The elf raised a wary eyebrow "Why should I lower myself in such a way?"

Not for the first time, Fili thanked his maker that he didn't possess Thorin's hatred of elves, nor Kili's hotheadedness. The comment would surely have led to bloodshed had it been either of them. Since it was Fili though, he merely shrugged and jerked his head where his brother and Tauriel sat. The elf's gaze followed and Fili was rewarded with a tightening of lips. 

"Very well" the elf straightened to his full height "I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, king of Mirkwood"

"I'm Fili, sisterson to Thorin Oakenshield, king under the mountain. Let's go get pissed"

 

"I don’t understand" Legolas said moodily, staring into his drink "we killed Orc's together. I thought she liked my bowmanship"

Fili sighed and waved another drink down. Legolas was alright for an elf, if a wee bit moody. The table they were at groaned as the astonished barmaid sat another two pints of beer on the table. They were a pretty attachment to the numerous other cups available. 

"It's not fair" Legolas frowned "Her idea to go after the orcs. I'm the one who finishes the job, and he made me bleed. Dad's going to be so mad when I get home. 'Lock the gates'" He mimicked "'Don't let anyone in or out"

"Sounds like Uncle's heart" Fili muttered, feeling slightly traitorous as he did so. 

"She's just so - so good at shooting things" Legolas said dreamily "and that red hair…"

Fili shook his head and quaffed his beer. 

 

"And it's like, why wouldn't the ponies go missing, you know? I can't see the future! Maybe sometimes I get distracted!"

Legolas nodded furiously "My dad is exactly the same way. One time forty years ago he was like 'don't shoot that weird hobbit mutant Legolas!' and that thing was creepy, let me tell you"

Fili slammed his hand on the table "We should go get that hobbit mutant!"

"Yes!"

There was a mighty quaking noise. Fili turned blearily to the window. From his boozy haze he noted that the mountain was turning a not so good color. Red. Something was bad about the red. Something flickered at the edge of his memory but he dismissed it. Legolas, he observed, was doing his best to drown himself in his pint. 

"Right" Fili decided "Let's go kill some orc!"

 

 

"I am never going to drink again" Fili said the moment his head stopped pounding. There was an agreeing groan from his left. Kili? Fili thought muzzily. No, that couldn't be right. Fili was angry at Kili, that much was certain. There was a movement to his left and someone sat up. Fili screamed. 

"What?" Legolas snapped, looking out at the world through impressive bedhead. "Shit" the elf groaned next, clutching his head "What happened last night?"

Fili looked around, struggling to get his bearings. They were sitting in the middle of a forest clearing, surrounded by Orc bodies. Right - things were starting to come back to him. Kili being healed. Fili and Legolas getting drunk. The chase after the Orcs. Flashbacks of Fili screaming about his feelings as he clobbered an Orc over the head came to him. He recognised the head of the Orc that had shot his brother in the leg and satisfaction filled him.

"Did we do all this?" he marveled "Well done us"

Another memory occurred to him "Shit" he said "I think I'm in love with my brother"

"I didn't think the dwarf looked like an Orc mutant," Legolas blurted out, covering his mouth with a look of horror. 

"What?"

"Never mind" Legolas said, looking mutinous. "Let's just go"

"Alright" Fili agreed, gingerly (and very slowly. Oh so slowly) getting to his feet. The two began the journey back, leaning on each other for support. To Fili's delight, he found that he had a lot in common with the elf prince. They were both blonde, had unreasonable pressure on them, hardasses for parental figures, and feelings for people they couldn't have. It was probably the drink talking, but Fili had never met a better guy. 

"We should get tattoo's" he slurred "To commemorate this awesomeness happening right now"

Legolas nodded "I couldn't agree more. Um - is that an army up ahead?"

 

If Fili had to choose the exact moment his day went to shit, it was when Uncle Thorin went brain damaged and refused to hand over the god damn Arkenstone. 

"For Mahal's sake" Fili cried, knocking the gem out of his uncles hands with a kick "I have a hangover the size of a troll. Just give them the gold they want and the elves can have this thing"

If Fili had to choose the next moment his day went to shit, it was when Uncle's eyes flashed dangerously and he found himself being dangled over a wall. 

"Hold on" Legolas called out "I'll catch you!"

"What?" Kili, Thorin, Thranduil and numerous others called out in strangled tones. It was just as well Legolas offered really, because Thorin's surprise had made his grip loose. It was Fili reflected as he felt himself begin to fall typical. 

(Bilbo however, quick thinking genius that he was, had gotten over Thorin's glare to be fast enough to send a rope down for Fili to catch)

"Well" Fili said as he swung awkwardly over Erebor's walls "This story will be greatly edited when I tell my children. Legolas, you ready buddy?"

The elf nodded, and Fili dropped neatly into his arms. 

"The gold will be yours" Fili managed to say graciously to Bard after he finished throwing up from the drop. He stepped quickly out and handed the shocked looking Elvenking the Arkenstone. Thorin's scream of outrage was piercing, to say the least. Fili and Legolas winced.

 

The rest of the day went more or less smoothly. Bilbo knocked Thorin out while he was raging at Fili from the wall. Thranduil and Bard pledged their help in rebuilding Erebor (thanks to some smooth talking from Legolas) and the Orcs they slaughtered in their drunken haze turned out to be messengers to a great army, so the Elves Dwarves and Men were aptly prepared to deal with them. It was, Fili reflected, not the worst way things could turn out. 

He clomped over to Kili, who was staring moodily in his direction. 

"I don't understand why you're so friendly with that elf," His brother said, glaring at Legolas. The elf was securing a horse. 

Fili shrugged "He isn't so bad. Great drinking partner. We're going hunting after this" He ignored Kili's strangled noise and waved at his friend. 

"Are you ready to go?" Legolas said, riding over to them. 

"Sure" Fili turned to his brother "By the way, I'm in love with you Kili"

"WHAT?" Kili shrieked. 

FIli nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to his brother's cheek "Just something to think about"

He swung himself up behind Legolas and the two set off into the distance. 

"I understand nothing about what's happening" Bilbo said from a distance. Everyone else in the company silently agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this crack piece of fiction. The Kudos definitely go to you guys.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr - lovefitzgeralding.tumblr.com. Please come and talk to me about how important Fili is.


End file.
